


Your pain is mine now

by Bashfyl



Category: Sterek - Fandom, teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: AU, Angst, But no one knows it, Canon Death, Happy Ending, Hurt Stiles, M/M, Magic Stiles, Minor Character Death, Sad, Soulmates, Wolf Derek, painful, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:59:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9085687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bashfyl/pseuds/Bashfyl
Summary: This is a tale of a little boy who spends his life feeling pain that he knows isn't his and how that affects his life and the lives of those around him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is very dear to my heart. It is light on dialog and heavy on the sad. Please be kind. It takes place over the course of Stiles life and he doesn't meet Derek until near the end.
> 
>  
> 
> Very special Thanks to maiNuoire for being just the kind of support I needed on this fic and for being an amazing beta.
> 
> This Author no longer uses the character known as Scott McCall in any fic. All fics will be crossover AU and use the original "teen wolf" Scott Howard instead. When you harass authors because they don't use your fav enough, using him more isn't their only option, they can choose to simply remove him from the universe. Thank You.

 

The Stilinski's live in Northern California. They aren't "well-off" but they are comfortable. Stiles' father works as a Deputy Sheriff and his mother stays home and takes care of him. They don't have any other family.

Stiles is so excited to start school, he wants friends so badly. His mother dresses him up in nice khaki pants with a Batman t-shirt and a plaid button up over shirt. Stiles got a buzz cut the day before, which tempts the hands of anyone nearby and makes his large brown eyes stand out, giving him an elfin look.

He smiles hugely as he meets his teacher, energy buzzing under his skin as he looks around the room filled with other children. Man, was it grand. There are 7 little girls and 6 boys in his class. Each child has a cubby to put snacks in and hang their coats. Instead of desks, the children have two long tables with little chairs around them.

The day went smashingly, he played with the kids kitchen and drew a pretty butterfly picture for his mom, Stiles was so happy, he felt like it might just bubble out of him. Then at noon, about 20 minutes before Claudia was to come and get him, the pain started. Deep in his stomach, sharp pain, as if he had eaten razor wire. A sudden sense of doom washed over him.

Stiles felt like he needed to tell someone, "Stop, Don't go there, Please please don't go where the pain is!" But he had no idea who he needed to tell. He curled up in a ball making himself as small as he could in a corner of the room and just cried. Claudia was pulled aside and questioned by the teacher when she arrived. Once again she has to explain to a new person that Stiles has had health issues, particularly his stomach, his whole life and that as of yet the doctors haven't figured out why.

That excuse was good the first day, even the first few weeks, but when it got to be months, Mrs. Fredricks decides she has to tell someone. That's when CPS became a big feature in Stiles' life. It's an unusually quiet evening, the Stilinski's are having dinner and Stiles is eating everything in sight, far more than he normally eats because it felt as if he hadn't eaten in days.

There is abnormally loud knocking on the front door, it's kind of terrifying. The Deputy rushes to the door in case it is some kind of emergency. Standing in the doorway are two state police officers and a woman. She is wearing a suit and her face is scrunched up as if she is smelling something bad. She has the angriest eyes Stiles has ever seen and it makes him shudder.

The woman, who introduces herself as Ms. Ryker, demands to be let in to inspect the house and speak with Stiles. It scares the crap out of him, he doesn't want that mean lady anywhere near him but the Stilinski's comply because they have nothing to hide and they have no idea why this is happening.

The family is separated, each officer questions one of the adult Stilinski's while Ms. Ryker questions Stiles. He was having a hard time concentrating on what Ms. Ryker was asking though because he could hear the officer in the next room asking his mommy mean questions about who was hurting him.

Finally Ms. Ryker closed the door to the den, so Stiles couldn't hear what was going on with his parents anymore. Once she had his attention she demanded, "Stiles, I need you to tell me who is hurting you."

"No one hurts me, Ms. Ryker. My tummy just hurts real bad sometimes. Sometimes it's my head but no one hurts me." Stiles fidgets anxiously, playing with his fingers while staring nervously up at her.

The questions last around twenty minutes and Ms. Ryker asks Stiles a lot of questions he is really too young and protected to understand. After they leave that night it becomes obvious that they believe his parents hurt him and they make the Stilinski's lives hell. Soon after Claudia becomes ill and life becomes even harder for the small, loving family.

Claudia Stilinski dies when Stiles is 8 years old, she is only 31. Stiles is alone with her when she draws her last breath and in that moment he is overcome by the worst pain he has ever felt. Two months later he is overwhelmed by that same pain again, but on a much larger scale. Stiles lies there clutching his stomach, tears running down his face, trying to hide his sobs from his father. He can't imagine what could have happened in the world to make anyone feel worse pain than the loss of his mother, but somewhere out there someone is.

*&*&*&*&*&

It's hard making friends when you are the odd boy at school who freaks out for no reason. That's why Scott Howard is so special to Stiles. The poor boy moved to Beacon Hills and befriended him before he found out that everyone thought Stiles was crazy.

After a couple of years of friendship Stiles decides if he hasn't scared Scott away yet, there was probably a good chance that he can't so he decides to share his biggest secret with his dear friend.

It's the night of Stiles' 10th birthday and they are having a sleepover to celebrate. Stiles waits until he knows his dad is asleep and then he starts talking. He tells Scott about the constant ache in his bones for someone who isn't there. He tells him about all of the pain over the years and the times of peace too, and Scott believes him in that pure way that only the really young can do. Plus, he had seen for himself that Deputy Stilinski adores Stiles and would never do the things people whispered about.

The very next weekend the Stilinski men plus Scott go on their very first camping trip to Yosemite. Stiles is so excited, camping seems like the greatest adventure and he just knew that they are going to have a great time. He's right, they have as much fun as two 10 year old boys, with a doting chaperone, can have running wild in the woods. 

Stiles is feeling melancholy as they start the three hour drive back home. He really doesn't want to return to civilization and being the town freak. The peace and beauty in Yosemite had really resonated with him. He was lost in thought and had never really given any thought to how dangerous mountain roads are until he saw the runaway logger coming at them.

Deputy Stilinski tries his best but the next thing Stiles knows they are falling. straight off a cliff. When he wakes up, Stiles is hanging upside down by the seat belt. He can't hear anything but his own heartbeat in his ears. He tries to open the seatbelt but it's jammed. He manages to get the knife his dad bought him at the start of their trip out of his pocket and begins sawing through the seat belt. It's quite a struggle, he's in a lot of pain and still a bit disorientated, but he eventually gets through it.

Releasing the seat belt causes him to fall from his seat to the roof of the van. No one else is moving but him. He is so scared, but he struggles and makes his way to the front of the van. The tears began streaming down his face when he sees his father's neck bent at an odd angle. He isn't breathing. Stiles feels the pain start and knows he has to act fast to get himself and Scott out of the van before he is overwhelmed.

He slowly makes his way back to Scott, the only other person in the world that he cares for, to see if he has lost everything. He slowly reaches a shaking hand out in front of Scott's nose and waits. When the sensation of breath ghosts across his hand, his chest begins heaving as his sobs grow louder.

One of Scott's arms is bent funny but other than that and a bit of a bump on his head he looks ok. Now Stiles just has to get him unstuck and awake.

"Scott," He yells. "Scott Howard! You answer me right now!" He throws in a few prods and more words of encouragement as he notices his friend begin to stir.

"What happened?" Scott asks, looking around the van, clearly bewildered.

"There was an accident.. my D..Dad is gone.. I need to cut you down so we can find help.. I'll try and catch you so your arm doesn't get too messed up.." Stiles sniffs a loud phlegmy sound and wipes his face on his sleeve before moving over to start sawing through Scott's seatbelt.

After what seems like hours and a whole lot of tears and maneuvering they manage to get both of them out of the van. Stiles uses the cut seat belt to tie Scott's arm to his chest to help keep it from getting jarred and getting hurt worse. Who knew that two weeks he spent in boy scouts would actually turn out to be useful years later.

Looking around, the boys could see the path their van had taken down the hill, so they follow it back up to the road. It's hard and sometimes it doesn't seem like they are going to make it but they do, together. Once back to the road they collapse in each other’s arms and cry, this is the moment when both boys realize that no matter what happens in life, as long as they are alive they will be there for each other.

It's another two hours of sitting by the side of the road before a car comes by. Luckily they are able to flag it down and get help. The two hour wait for Scotts parents to get to the hospital are some of the longest ever. It isn't until Stiles sees them wrap around Scott and kiss him and tell him how much they love him that it hits him again that he will never have any of that again.

The panic attack Stiles had avoided as long as Scott needed him hit full force. He collapses onto the floor curling into a tight ball, rocking and sobbing, not able to catch his breath, and being overwhelmed by both the snot and the pain. He feels like he is suffocating. Strong arms wrap around him. Melissa's scent is especially comforting, not quite the scent of dad and home that he needed but still a very strong mom scent that he is able to find comfort in.

It takes some time for him to come down from the attack and when he does he is so exhausted that he falls asleep right there on the floor. Stiles wakes to the doctor letting the Howard's know that Scott will be ok. He has broken his arm in three places and will need quite a while to heal, but he will heal.

Ms. Ryker from CPS shows up, Stiles can't help the dread that crawls over him when he sees her. She has been assigned to Stiles, permanently. Life after that is a series of foster homes, group homes, psychiatrists, and hospital visits. None of them ever figure out what is wrong with Stiles, most adults just decide he is incorrigible. The only place Stiles can let his guard down is at Scott's house. Even though his parents had never liked Stiles, once they had seen the van with their own eyes and the hill Stiles had half carried Scott up, they decided that being odd didn't matter. He was family.

*&*&*&*&

The year the boys turn 17 they decide that they want to go to New York for university. Stiles is going to get great grades and find a use for his brain and Scott is going to use his gifts to pursue his dream of being on Broadway. They will get a room somewhere together, work part-time, and Stiles will go to NYU for computer programming while Scott goes to AMDA.

Senior year is a crazy time. Stiles is still moody and has times of intense pain, but he has learned to power through it mostly, and to hide it from outsiders. Scott is the only one who knows how bad it still is. They sent in their applications for school and waited with baited breath, in hopes of following their dreams.

It happens in March, they both get their letters! Stiles' hands shake as he opens the envelope. 'Accepted' is really the only thing he sees before the tears come, finally, for once since, his parents deaths, something is going right for him. Stiles looks up and sees all of the Howard's grinning at him, then Scott tears into his envelope, quickly scanning the contents. With a loud whoop he tackles Stiles and jiggles him all around, celebrating their victory over Beacon Hills. It is the happiest Stiles can ever remember being. The happiness and lack of pain last for the next couple of years as they do their thing in New York.

*&*&*&*&

Scott is pretty popular with the girls in spite of his crooked jaw. He has brown hair, brown puppy eyes, and tan skin. Stiles had envied him a bit in high school because no one had wanted to put up with the Stiles' crazy long enough to date him, but here in New York, where no one knew them, something began to happen.

Stiles started to notice boys checking him out. He wasn't bad looking, broad shoulders with a narrow waist, really pale skin dotted with moles, brown hair, and eyes the color of honey whisky, but the possibilities hadn't ever really been on his radar because it had never come up before.

The first boy that expresses interest is kinda icky, but how was he to know?? On their first date he turns into an octopus and Scott has to save him because he didn't learn in high school all the ways to defeat the greater wandering octopus male. Looking back he can't believe he ever went out on a date with the guy.

This experience began a period in their friendship called, "Stiles' Education in all things male." They double date and Scott is the best tutor, protector, and friend a guy could ask for. Eventually all the lessons pay off and they both find themselves a few years into happy relationships! Then the pain comes back, deep in his stomach like razor wire and ulcers are having a party in Stiles' colon or maybe his kidney's. His boyfriend does not understand.

At first Troy is on board, he wants to take Stiles to the hospital, as if more testing is going to help. Stiles' refusal to go and allow more people to tell him that he is crazy or to allow himself to be in a situation where people start to pity him again is met with stony silence. The whole story comes out then. All the years of suffering and doctors and pain and no matter what is said to Troy, he is incapable of grasping it.

He rages about the two years he wasted on someone who is obviously deranged. The breakup almost kills Stiles. He had almost forgotten the pain, had almost convinced himself he could be "normal". Scott is there for him, and with Scott comes Allison.

Over the time they had been dating, Scott, being Scott, had told Allison everything and even had her talk to his mom as corroboration, so when Troy leaves it isn't just Scott, but both of them who hold Stiles together. Their little family grew by one that day, which wasn't exactly the outcome Stiles was hoping for but was still amazing.

The next few years are pretty much like the rest of his life had been. When the "affliction," as they had started to call it, is upon him Stiles does everything in his power to manage it and the depression that comes along with it. During the brief moments of relief Stiles does what he can to grow as a person, experience things he never thought he could and really live.

After graduation Scott and Allison get married and it's a wonderful thing, but Stiles kind of spirals into a depression the likes of which he had never experienced before. He wants what they have. He wants someone, anyone, to love him the way they love, with openness and honesty and faith and trust and loyalty, but doesn't think that will ever happen for him. It never occurs to him in the midst of all this pain and aching suffering that he is going through while they are honeymooning, that the fact that they both love and accept him means that maybe he can find it too.

Two weeks, it’s not really that long a time, but he spends it lost and alone, worrying about what he will do when they come home and leave him to start their lives together. He huddles in his snuggliest blankets and PJs. He lives on take out and never leaves the apartment once. When they get home they find him, a huddled mass on the bedroom floor. Scott rushes over and pulls him into his arms, recognizing that this is probably the worst he has been since dad died and even then, Stiles was in too much denial to be in this much despair.

As Scott soothes and comforts him, he begins to cry. Stiles tells him that life without them just seems too hard to live, and that he isn't ready to be alone again. Scott grasps his face in both hands, looks him dead in the eye and says, "You, my dear, are a complete idiot!"

To say Stiles was shocked is an understatement, but he was, very shocked. Scott looked ready to burst from the open mouthed face Stiles was making, "We aren't going anywhere!"

Allison works her way over to them, avoiding various debris, and wraps herself around them. Stiles looks up at her confused, "You aren't leaving? But that's what people do when they get married! They go out and they start a family of their own!"

She leans down and kisses him on the forehead, which has to be kind of gross because even Stiles doesn't know how long it has been since his last shower. "I have always known that Scott had a family. That you came along with him and that the only way we could make a life together was to include you. You are our brother. We would never leave you behind."

As those words left her mouth Scott and Stiles both burst into tears, because wow seriously where did this girl even come from? There was much group hugging before Stiles was summarily sent off to bathe and put on fresh clothes.

Once Stiles was submerged in the tub and couldn't get away, Scott came in to talk to him. They have a long overdue chat about how Stiles thinks he is unlovable, how that makes him a complete idiot because they love him, and there may have been a bit of name calling and insults thrown around the idea that he could be so stupid as to think they would make plans to move out and not discuss it with him first.

At one point Stiles becomes so frustrated he grabs Scott and tugs hard, the other man loses his balance and slides, fully clothed, into Stiles' bubble bath. The look on his face is indescribable and one Stiles will remember for the rest of his days. Allison, hearing the shriek rushes into the room to see Stiles trying to cover himself with a cloth that is way too small and her new husband sopping wet with bubbles in odd places. That may have been the moment she really realized just how not "normal" life with them would be. The look on her face was pretty priceless too.

*&*&*&*&

They had learned early on that Stiles did not do well watching television or most movies as they seemed to increase his mood swings, so in his spare time Stiles read books or played video and computer games. He relies on his roomies to give him the cliff notes version of any world happenings that he needs to know.

During the next couple of years they all work hard on their careers. Stiles knows that after a few years Scott and Ally will want to add to their family and probably either move out of the city or at least to a new neighborhood. As time passes he finds himself getting better with that idea.

The three of them all find success in their areas of expertise. The days blend together as time passes, people come and go, Stiles dates and loves and loses a few times and then they hit their next monumental event, Allison is pregnant. Stiles will never forget the day they found out that their little family would be growing again. It was the most joy he had felt in a long time, and while he still felt that missing part, there was so much joy there too.

Thus began the apartment hunt, Scott and Ally would be moving, not too close but not too far away and Stiles would stay in their old place where he had grown comfortable and felt at home. Moving day was really hard and bittersweet but he did it with a smile on his face and only minor bitching at all the heavy things he was forced to carry up and down stairs.

Going back to his own place that night was difficult, but it was time. Time for him to learn to manage himself alone, time for him to not have to paste a smile on his face or pretend anymore, just time. They made a promise though, Sundays were for family. If they were in town, they would have family dinner, if someone was away they would Skype, one way or another every Sunday was a time to let the people you love know you love them without fail.

*&*&*&*&

It is really hot that summer. Stiles doesn't want to leave his air conditioned apartment for anything, but unfortunately he has errands to run. He is just leaving the building where his company's main office is, after signing some paperwork, when it happens. Stiles wasn't really paying attention to where he is going and he runs into what felt like a brick wall.

Looking up from where he lands he sees the most beautiful man he had ever seen, scowling down at him. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" Stiles exclaims as he scrambles to try and stand up. The man reaches down, still glaring at him, and grabs his bare arm, as if to help him up. In that moment time freezes for Stiles.

Every single thing he has felt in his life that didn't belong to him flashes before his eyes. The broken arm when he was six and his sister dared him to climb that big tree. The time his uncle dared him to walk over hot coals when he was 12. Paige. Kate. The night his family died. Kate. Jennifer. Holy Shit Werewolves!

It was almost like a feedback loop of shock and shared pain and experiences. The next thing Stiles knows he is being pushed up against a wall with an arm across his throat as the man growls at him, his eyes flashing blue and fangs dropping, "Who are you? What are you? What have you done to me?" He roars.

Stiles couldn't really answer him because he was in a bit of pain from being slammed against a wall and having his air cut off. He's not sure if it's the waves of pain and confusion he is giving off or something else but the next thing he knows the man.. werewolf.. is gone. Run off. Stiles is left feeling lost in a void, confused, and a bit empty. At the same time he is relieved, because at least now he knows that all of it was real! He's not crazy! It was _him_ , his whole life, it was _his_ pain, _his_ despair, _his_ loneliness that Stiles had been living with.

The first thing Stiles does when he gets home is call Scott and Allison and tell them everything. Well everything except the part about werewolves. Somehow it seems as if that is the most private part of what he had learned. They're happy for him, knowing that he has finally found a reason for what he has gone through his whole life.

There is a somewhat heated discussion about how something like this could have happened and soul mates and what it all means. Stiles wonders if wolves mate for life, if they believe in soul mates or have myths and legends about them. He wonders if he will ever see his wolf again, if the wolf can find him in this big, crowded city.

In the back of his mind he wonders if he should worry about what will happen if they do find each other again considering his first reaction to touching Stiles was violence. All the wondering takes a lot out of Stiles and he eventually falls into a tormented sleep. The next few weeks are pretty uneventful, aside from the occasional feeling of being watched.

*&*&*&*&

The third Sunday after his encounter with his wolf, Stiles is on his way home from Scott and Allison's when he is pushed into a van, blindfolded, and restrained. He wonders absently if this is it, if he will finally get some kind of peace.

A cloth with a sweet smelling substance on it is pressed against his nose and mouth causing him to pass out. When he wakes he is tied to a chair in a dimly lit room, and his head aches. There is a beautiful, dark haired woman sitting in a chair across from him. She tells Stiles that she has questions for him, that she will know if he is lying, and that it is in his best interest to answer truthfully.

"What did you do to my brother?" She begins.

Stiles can't help but blink slowly not quite comprehending what she could be talking about, "Who's your brother?"

She makes a sound of frustration and snarls out, "Derek. Derek Hale."

Stiles searches his mind but he can't recall ever encountering a Derek Hale, or really any Derek, "I don't know anyone by that name."

She must hear the truth in his statement because she curses under her breath, stands, and stalks out of the room, appearing a few minutes later dragging his grumpy wolf behind her. "This is my brother, Derek. What did you do to him?"

Stiles glares at the woman. "He's your brother, why don't you ask him?"

The woman releases a long, frustrated sounding growl, "Because he won't tell me! So _you_ are going to!"

Stiles sighs heavily, looking back and forth between the siblings, "I bumped into him on my way out of the office, he grabbed my arm and hauled me up off the ground. The next thing I knew he had me slammed against a wall in an alley, so what exactly do you think I did to him, when he is the one who was manhandling me?"

This gets another frustrated sound out of her and the tips of Derek's ears turn pink. She then looks intently into Stiles' eyes, "I know there is more you aren't telling me, and we are going to sit here until I get the whole story from one of you!"

Stiles feels such hopelessness in this moment because he knows there are no other choices here. Derek is obviously not going to tell her, so for the first time in his life, leaving no details out, even the ones that make his ears and neck turn red, Stiles tells someone his whole story.

He tells them every detail of every pain, every pleasure, every ounce of despair and depression, right up until that day on the street and he finishes with, "And then he touched me and I saw pictures to go with all of the feelings. I think.. I think he's my soulmate, I think I was literally born for him." Then he turns and locks eyes with Derek and whispers, "For you."

After expelling all of those thoughts, words, and emotions Stiles is completely wiped out. He closes his eyes, just for a bit. Some time later he feels himself floating, moving, there is something soft and warm under his face and it smells divine.

He's really too tired to think about it. but he hopes that whatever it is doesn't stop because it feels a lot like peace and it smells a lot like home. When he wakes next it's to fingers running through his hair, his face is still resting on what turns out to be Derek's chest. He idly wonders how long he's been asleep on him, and if he can do it again since it was the best sleep he can ever remember having.

"How long was I asleep?" he asks, voice husky from just waking up.

Derek makes a small humming noise, "Right around six hours."

Stiles is pretty shocked. He doesn't usually get more than three hours of sleep at a time and most of it is done during the day. "How did I end up sleeping on you?"

He sighs heavily, "I wasn't going to let you sleep in that chair, not after everything.."

It's Stiles' turn to make a little humming noise, he knows he should probably be freaking out, after all he was kidnapped by werewolves, but he just can't bring himself to care. It feels too good to be here, with him, like this. It feels almost like being whole. So he rubs his cheek lightly against his chest where it's resting and just snuggles in, figuring that if Derek wants him to move he is more than capable of moving him.

Derek sighs heavily again and seems to want to say something to him, so he waits quietly while Derek pulls his thoughts together, "I'm not good at things like this.. People.. Relationships.. I'm .. Broken. I've been broken a long time. I.. I don't think I can fix myself, you need to understand, you won't be able to fix me."

Stiles sits up abruptly at his declaration, gaze finding his, "Why the fuck ever would I want to "fix" you? Everything you've been through, all the knocks and pings and dents, they make you who you are. I'm not looking for some shiny toy, some perfect fake illusion; I want you. The you that makes me feel safe, even in the midst of a kidnapping. The you that smells like home. The you that lets me sleep at night.

You know after my parents died I wasn't able to keep much. But my mom had this old, ugly, floral porcelain covered mixing bowl, and I managed to keep it, through all the foster homes, and college. I still have it. The porcelain is missing in spots, there are stains on the bottom, some of the flowers are just gone, but I wouldn't trade it for any other bowl in the world, because it tells the story of my life and I fucking love that bowl. You're like that bowl, perfect for me."

Derek looks pretty gobsmacked by Stiles' speech so he just huffs at him and lies back down on his chest. wrapping his arms around him and hold him tight. It takes a bit but eventually Derek relaxes into Stiles and begins running his fingers through Stiles' hair again. Just before Stiles drops back off to sleep he hears him softly say, "You smell like home to me too."

 

 

*&*&*&*&

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
